salt-shaker.blog

Fracture. Rejection. Aggression. Condescension. Withdrawal. I’m not talking about social media, the current display case of social disfunction. I am speaking of an environment where even friends and families feel they must either mock or avoid one another in support of their political/social/moral persuasions to cultivate a safe space (otherwise known as a ‘bubble’). This may come off as an ‘elder abuse’ article, and to some extent it is. However, the principle applies to all three generations who decide that they are “done’ with family or friends. It is especially directed towards those who identify as Jesus followers, who have exchanged the world’s corrupting ways for His. I write as one who has been guilty, ashamed and diminished by making such choices in my own life.

You probably have friends who have been banned from relationship with their children or grandchildren for voting differently than their kids. Others have been set aside because of counseling to limit family interaction due to an ‘unhealthy’ world view or past conflict. Some avoid parents because of trauma from how they were raised. I am not talking about sexual abusers or meth heads who would traffic their grandkids for their next high – of course addicted unstable individuals should be restricted. I am talking about normal adults whose life experience has led them to different conclusions about important things. There are also those whose children begrudgingly offer them limited involvement with family, but only with obvious reservation and certainly without enthusiasm. The pain endured by my friends is heartbreaking, and the loss to the grandchildren is yet to be calculated.

One might respond that there have always been such generational conflicts and you would be correct. As an older person I realize that I truly am clueless to many practices and perspectives of my kids and grandkids. They are living in a radically different world than I grew up in. Technology has transformed the landscape we all share with lightning speed. Some of us are just trying to figure out what is going on, and we are usually late to the party. Affluence has sensitized the younger people to conversations that at one time were just a normal part of human interaction – the exchange of competing ideas. Dialogue. Conversation. Sometimes heated but mostly cordial. Growing up with participation trophies and constant affirmation, even for accomplishments that even they knew were trivial, has shaped their emotional resiliency. So I guess we parents are reaping what we sowed. It will take more effort to connect.

Personal story: As parents, our countercultural view of Christmas prompted us to withhold our children from traditional Christmas celebration with our folks, asking that they reserve the gifts for birthdays instead. Wow, that seems really harsh as I write it, and of course it was – especially for the parents who did not share our conviction. We were newly saved and in love with Jesus, and did not want to celebrate His birth with a false narrative about some fictitious person with similar attributes to God and then later tell them we lied. Where would that put God in the long run? Hindsight suggests that we could have handled that better. We encountered two opposite responses. My mom and dad limited the time they displayed the tree to accommodate more frequent visits from us. They chose a loving response to a difficult difference on an important issue. We felt affirmed despite our hurtful choice. The other side, deeply hurt by our rejection of treasured traditions, required a longer process of healing and reconnection. But it did happen, in part because the rest of the year we tried to compensate for that holiday restriction. All to say, navigating generational differences is not a new dilemma. Nor an easy one, especially when convictions differ.

What seems new is the accepted practice of totally excluding family members and friends because it would be uncomfortable and possibly problematic. Aside from truly abusive relatives, why not opt to use these situations in the relatively safe space of extended family to teach the young people how to handle difficulty with love? The benefit would far outweigh the discomfort. And if conflict arises, what an opportunity to demonstrate forgiveness and reconciliation. All could actually experience the beauty of what Jesus expects of those who are called by His name. We fault churches for the trends away from faith, and there is good reason for that, but perhaps charity does begin at home. And blame.

I ran across a quote as I was writing: “Avoid the temptation to “righteous indignation” and its subtle lure of moral superiority.” I don’t know who said this, but it rings true. I watch my friends patiently walking in forgiveness with hopeful bleeding hearts. The very ones whose children truly should be rising up and calling them blessed (I know their sacrifices as mothers) are scolding, withholding and scorning them in the name of boundary keeping. Ok – I know there are two sides. Nobody does it correctly. Unless correct is working on personal issues so the kids could have a stable home, working long hours to provide for them, staying up nights when they were sick or out partying. Or even bailing them out of jail, watching their kids so they could work, skipping personal vacation time to use the money for braces, and on and on. I am making a case here. When did it become ‘righteous’ to exclude parents/siblings/friends and label them toxic? Perhaps when politics became morality, when faith was replaced by personal conviction, and forgiveness became optional.

What would Jesus do?

Shalom