Food for Thought

This page is more long form – the written viewpoints and observations of those who love to write and have good reason to. Keep an open and inquisitive mind and enjoy!

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My Spiritual Abuse Journey
Guidelines for Benevolent Detachment
Submission
Timely word for mothers
The dangerous allure of blame
Inspiration for practicing hospitality
Is our technology inhabited by demons?
You are single … you are loved
Sorrow: an engine of Christian hope
How to know if you’ve found identity and purpose
When singleness lasts longer than you expect
Merciful Relationships
Billy Graham speaks to seasoned saints

A very thoughtful and dignified but all too common story

Guidelines for Benevolent Detachment

This is not a rule book. These are very serious decisions with long term implications. Of course, the Holy Spirit is to be the One to lead us into God’s will for a particular relationship. It is imperative to discern whether our decision is being made from an imbedded cultural norm or emotion rather than from God’s leading. It should be a calculated choice bathed in prayer and counsel, with the peace that God is leading you. Romans 12:18 is key in these situations: “As far as your responsibility goes, live at peace with everyone.” Do your part. You cannot force the other party to engage.

. Love must be sincere, but not enabling

“Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.” — Ro12:9
We are called to love one another — but genuine love sometimes requires withdrawing from destructive dynamics. If continued involvement enables sin, abuse, or continual disrespect, stepping back can be an act of truth and righteousness. We close the door out of reverence.

. Boundaries are consistent with wisdom

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” — Pro4:23
Guarding the heart doesn’t mean closing it off forever; it means protecting it from harm. Disengaging may be a way of guarding one’s heart when a relationship becomes toxic or emotionally destructive.

. There are times to step back for restoration

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault… if he refuses to listen… let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” — Matthew 18:15–17
This passage is about reconciliation, but it acknowledges that sometimes, after repeated attempts, distance is appropriate when the other party refuses to change. Trust must be earned back.

. Disengagement should not come from hatred or bitterness

“See to it that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” — He12:15
If a one disengages, Scripture calls her to do so in peace and prayer, not in anger or revenge. The goal should always remain hope for repentance and restoration, even if one must protect themself in the meantime.

. Even distance can express love

“Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” — 1 Co13:7
Sometimes protection — of oneself or of the other— means creating space. You can continue to love and pray for them while not remaining emotionally entangled or accessible to harm.

. You are not responsible for another’s actions

Sometimes God’s plan is for you to walk away rather than try to fix it, to release the relationship for a time so God can work independent of you and you can build something new.

. We need to live in obedience

Fear or an exaggerated sense of responsibility which is really God’s and not yours can influence you to stay when God wants you to go. This interferes with His involvement with that person. We live in forgiveness praying for their restoration to God

.Points to Ponder

Forgiveness does not require our continued presence. You can release the offense before God and deny access.
Forgiveness is maintained even if reconciliation is not possible at this time
Reconciliation must be done with self-respect not out of fear and may not be possible.
Peace does not equal the absence of conflict. There is separation from harm.
We can lament the hurt and the loss of what could have been
Without repentance there is no reconciliation

. Questions to Consider

Is there a pattern of contempt and degrading?
Does this situation consistently steal my peace and bring chaos into my social situation?
Is limiting the relationship a manipulative move?
Is maintaining the current pattern of relationship enabling their sin?
Am I afraid to insist because of repercussions?
Am I setting my fear, preference, or conviction over the Spirit’s leading?
Am I praying and seeking God about this?
Have I experienced God’s answer in Scripture, circumstance, and/or counsel?

Relevant Scriptures

1 Pe 4:8 AMP Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others].

1 Co 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Pe 2:21-24 JBP Indeed this is part of your calling. For Christ suffered for you and left you a personal example, and wants you to follow in his steps. ‘Who committed no sin, nor was guile found in his mouth’. Yet when he was insulted he offered no insult in return. When he suffered he made no threats of revenge. He simply committed his cause to the one who judges fairly. And he personally bore our sins in his own body on the cross, so that we might be dead to sin and be alive to all that is good. It was the suffering that he bore which has healed you.

Col 3:12-14 JBP As, therefore, God’s picked representatives of the new humanity, purified and beloved of God himself, be merciful in action, kindly in heart, humble in mind. Accept life, and be most patient and tolerant with one another, always ready to forgive if you have a difference with anyone. Forgive as freely as the Lord has forgiven you. And, above everything else, be truly loving, for love is the golden chain of all the virtues.

Ec 3:1-8 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every matter under heaven— A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

Examples in Scriptures

1 Sam 11 David & Saul – David flees though Saul apologizes

Acts 15 Paul & Barnabas – Parted ways amicably

1 Co 7:15 Unbelieving spouse – Let them leave

James 2:5 JBP And if, in the process, any of you does not know how to meet any particular problem he has only to ask God—who gives generously to all men without making them feel foolish or guilty—and he may be quite sure that the necessary wisdom will be given him. But he must ask in sincere faith without secret doubts as to whether he really wants God’s help or not.

Guidelines for Benevolent Detachment Download

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A timely read for many mothers

The first time I saw those double lines forming, I was living in Edinburgh, Scotland. Joy—mixed with wonder—overcame me in that moment. A secret only I knew. A message I longed to receive. A treasure I wanted to savor. Yet I could only contain myself for about one minute before I burst into our tiny living room, exclaiming to my husband, “I think I’m pregnant!”

I knew at that moment: This is such a privilege.

Six years later, I was a mom of two, longing to be a mom of three. After struggling to get pregnant the second time and miscarrying a child in between, I saw those double lines forming again.

That time, I knew with a deeper knowing: This is such a privilege.

Now, that child is a young woman of 18 years, graduating from high school this month. She’s following her older sister and brother right out of the nest. I’m left with a different sense of wonder as I watch her try on her cap and gown—where did the time go?

All the years of brushing teeth and bedtime stories. Soccer practices and violin recitals. Finishing homework and doing chores. Dinnertime devotions and morning prayers. Days that once felt so long and exhausting now seem to have collided all together. I’m left with the shocking sense that somehow the time has flown by. I was just putting her in her crib for a nap, and now I’m buying a comforter for her dorm room.

Scaffolding of a Soul

Graduation is a time of grief and gratitude. Raising children is a gift we keep unwrapping, year after year, as we get new glimpses into who they’re becoming. At graduation, we celebrate with joy and excitement, while anticipating the loss that accompanies their increasing independence.

I find the grief meets me in unexpected corners of my day. A few months ago, I picked up a favorite poetry book and stumbled on Emily Dickinson’s “The Props Assist the House”:

The Props assist the House
Until the House is built
And then the Props withdraw
And adequate, erect,
The House support itself
And cease to recollect
The Augur and the Carpenter –
Just such a retrospect
Hath the perfected Life –
A Past of Plank and Nail
And slowness – then the scaffolds drop
Affirming it a Soul –

I read the words, and then read them again. Tears filled my eyes.

Motherhood is the privilege of being a prop, a support, a help—surrounding a soul with scaffolding that one day will be removed. Much will be forgotten. Our memories only retain a highlight reel of a shared life—corn mazes, hay rides, pirate parades, sunny days at the beach, snuggles at bedtime, goodnights to the moon, late-night conversations, and Sunday morning car rides to church. Eighteen years is a collection of 6,570 days that blur together in retrospect.

Raising children is a gift we keep unwrapping, year after year, as we get new glimpses into who they’re becoming.

So much of what we do as mothers is forgotten (even to ourselves). My daughter asked me the other day if I remembered a sickness she had when she was younger. I had no idea what she was talking about, but I was glad she remembered that I was there.

It might be tempting to think of scaffolding as unimportant, a waste of good resources. And some view motherhood as something that traps rather than builds. But it’d be wrong to conclude that just because something is difficult, takes time, or looks unpleasant on the outside, it’s a waste.

Pearls hide their beauty in unsightly oysters, and diamonds form deep in the earth under immense pressure and heat. Some days—many days—are long and hard and full of exhaustion. However, these mundane moments shift sacred when we understand the immense responsibility of raising an eternal being for an eternal destination.

Day after day, week after week, month after month, we surround our child with scaffolding, supporting her so that one day, the scaffolding drops and the house supports itself, built ultimately by the true Carpenter, with plank and nail, affirming it a soul. What a privilege to have a front-row seat as the Carpenter does his work. What an honor to be a part of the building process. What a joy to see God’s work as a soul formed in love is raised in love.

What a remarkable privilege to be a tool in the Master Carpenter’s hand as he builds a soul.

Empty Nest

People keep asking me, “How are you feeling about the empty nest?” To be honest, I have no idea. Graduation is a sneaky thief. All the celebrations and special events distract me from the truth that she’s leaving. Her friends still come by, her clothes are still all over her floor, and the sound of her music still fills the air. My house is alive with her presence.

Mundane moments shift sacred when we understand the immense responsibility of raising an eternal being for an eternal destination.

But I’ve done this twice before. I know with a deeper knowing. The morning will come. We’ll load up her bags. She’ll make her bed. We’ll drive the familiar road to my alma mater and help her unpack all her things. We’ll talk with new roommates and take pictures. We’ll give hugs and say goodbye.

And then, we’ll get in the car. Just my husband and me. I’m sure there will be tears.

The scaffolding drops. I become lesser and he becomes greater. The Carpenter continues his work.

And I know I’ll know, deep in my soul, with all the 25 years of motherhood in me: This is such a privilege.